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Deanna

"Keep it classy, never trashy, just a lil' nasty."

137 To Go or Not To Go

December 01, 2012
Hi. I just have to get some stuff off and my chest and I don't know how to do it besides blogging. So, after I broke up with Alvin in February, I have been having a phobia of getting into relationships. Maybe I can handle dating, but I don't know how far I am able to go with that person. I am just afraid that the same thing that happened to me and Alvin, would happen again. And as much as I like the person I'm dating, I cannot bring myself to think about getting into a relationship with him. The fear of my past keeps holding me back. And this is what sucks: I think I'm leading my date further and further to nothing. Because yes, I do have feelings for him but I'm just not ready to plunge into a relationship. And this is another thing that sucks: I don't know if I'm being selfish for leading him on. But I am happy with him. I like him a lot. And I don't know if I should leave him so he can find another girl, or I don't know if I should keep him because of all that we've been through for the past few months. 

Just a few days ago, after almost 5 months of getting to know each other, he said he's leaving me, because he says he shouldn't stay since I'm not thinking of a relationship. And I felt hurt. But maybe I should let him go? I really don't know. I tried, I really tried very hard, to think of being in a relationship with him, and at one point, I really did want to. But I just CANNOT bring myself to go down that road again. This is all so confusing.

And besides RAZ, I've also went out with a few other guys. Mostly ended up being one time off dates and flings. They mean nothing to me, compared to RAZ, but I still think I shouldn't be in a relationship, just yet. Part of me thinks I should just forget about relationships and leave RAZ, and perhaps just continue dating guys, but there's this special/weird connection I feel with RAZ that I can't bear to let him go but yet I don't want a relationship. But I guess if he wants a relationship then he should go and search for another girl, someone who can fulfil his wants. Perhaps someone other better-deserving girl than me because RAZ is a very nice, sweet, romantic, understanding, caring guy and it actually pains me to know I cannot give him what he wants. This is probably the most mature decision to make but I'm not sure I want him to go just yet. But I know I should.

And a lot of people probably think I'm a bitch or that I'm heartless for wanting to keep RAZ and yet I go on dates with other guys but the truth is, I'm just so super confused as to what I want. I need to make my decision soon, for I don't want RAZ to be in misery because of me. Sigh, what have I done.

136. Guess whose back, back again?

November 19, 2012
Oh my gosh hello! It's been forever since I've put up a blog post and I really do miss blogging. Right now my major exams have ended so my job right now is pretty much have fun and of coz get a part time job. And I am having tons of fun and I do have a part time job! Been going out everyday since my exams ended, with friends, family plus a date haha. As for my job, I'm babysitting my two younger siblings, the monkeys. Since its the school holidays and mum and papa are working, mum offered me the job of being the monkeys' babysitter slash teacher. It's been fun going out and babysitting. I wouldn't trade the things Im doing for anything else.

Just a quick update about things I've been blogging about before. Me and Alvin have broken up. It's been quite a while already. And recently we started talking so I guess it's all cool. I do miss his family tho. Probably because I went to his house on a regular basis. I miss his niece Samantha the most. Well besides that, Im still friends with all my friends. Amelia and I had a conflict but we decided we couldn't live without each other so we decided to move on with the past. I'm still as tight with Louisa. Things have been rough with Kabil and Joel for the past few months but recently, we had a reconcilement and I'm so glad to be friends with them again. I have truly missed my uncle and daddy. 

My 16th birthday was just three days ago. I had a really memorable time with Amelia and Adam and Adam's friend Khai. We went to Universal Studios Singapore! I've known Adam for a really long time but it was the first time that we actually bonded. There was one incident when it started raining and I didn't wanna get my new shoes wet so Adam carried me hahaha I felt like a princess. But in the end, the four of us needed up having a hell of a time running around USS to get to rides and we had the opportunity to ride the roller coaster, Cylon, in the pouring rain! 


Thats
 pretty much the highlight out of all my 11 days of holidays so far. But of coz the other outings I had we're just as fun. Those include my date with DhukhiYOG soccer player and my class chalet and my friend Ayim's chalet. Can't wait for more outings to come! I shall end this post here but this will not be the end of this blogXO PS do follow me on Instagram for updates on pictures @hystrcald

135

February 09, 2012

We just started afresh, gave our relationship another chance and you had to ruin it. It's only been 6 days and you had to destroy everything.

Would you do something if your partner doesn't like it? Would you go ahead with what you had in mind or would you reconsider it? Would you stop and reconsider it even though you had this something in mind way before you met your partner? Because I thought, the right thing to do, was to think of your partner first, and what or how it will affect the relationship if you went ahead to do something your partner dislikes. You were single before, but not now. You may have done things before, which might have been okay, but maybe it isn't okay now. Now, you have someone, your other half (or so it should be) and you cannot only think for yourself. Well I thought that's the way things are supposed to be. Am I right? Or am I wrong?

Yes, maybe one cannot force his other half to take advices or do whatever he says. But in situations like this, I think compromising is the only way. I admit, I've been harsh and unreasonable, but I managed to compromise with you and in the end, we resolved things. I wonder how you feel now. Are you happy? Are you satisfied? You got what you wanted, but now you're in an argument with me. Does that make you happy? Are you okay with that? Yes, I am being harsh and unreasonable in this case, but do you see where I'm getting at? Do you get my point? I don't know what to do.

Anyway, I found this on Facebook. And this is really scary. This is the caption: Relationships fall and whither because eventually someone stops trying and it doesn't feel the same. The first couple of months or even years it may be the best thing you ever wished for, but eventually someone loses feelings, gets to busy, or doesn't even bother to try. You know why? Because they're comfortable. The beginning is all about the chase. Can you keep up? If you can then you'll get the hang of it and then you won’t want to try anymore. You aren't afraid to lose them because they're yours. Arguing leads to fighting and it just gets worse from there. It all flashes by so fast. So, cherish what you have.

134. Lazy Sunday

February 05, 2012

Omg hi!!! Is it me or is it just the weather these past few days that's making people feel lazy?? Because if it's just me, then I better do something about it! All I think about is sleeping and lazing about! And I feel really guilty at the end of the day but I just can't seem to get any work done. This sucks!

It started around Thrusday but I thought it was just because of me recovering from my flu that's why I didn't have much energy to do anything. And then on Friday, after school, I went home and slept for about 2 hours. That night, I slept at 11pm and I woke up at 2pm on Saturday. I slept at 2am and woke up at 11am today but I still feel very sleepy. Fuck, this must stop! I'm giving myself till today to laze around!

Nothing interesting has been happening. Everyday it's just school, home, revision, homework, sleep. Sigh. I need excitement. But I can't do anything because I'm somehow grounded hahaha. I hope I get my freedom back as soon as possible because I'm dying being a good girl. Well anyway there's nothing much to say so, goodbye.

133. What's Love?

February 01, 2012

Sometimes, I don't know what to do with us. It's like I love you, but sometimes I don't feel it anymore. And whenever I think of leaving, ending this relationship, I just know that I will regret my decision and come running back. And so I hold on, I hold on even though it hurts because we are arguing every now and then. It's not exactly a healthy relationship because maybe I expect and give too much, and you give too little and nothing we ever plan works out. Sometimes two people fall in love with each other, but at the wrong time. Sometimes two people want to be with each other, but at the wrong time.

Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting your time, being with you, when maybe you can move on and find other girls, some other girls better than me. Some other girls who will treat you better and not expect too much from you. Maybe I'm selfish but that's coz I care for you too much. I want you to succeed in your studies, that's why I'm still around. I want you to change some of your ways, that's why I'm still around. I know people won't change if being forced, but hopefully you will because I'm changing you for the better.

Sometimes my words and comments hurt you, and I'm sorry. I know I don't ever apologize for my harsh words, I'm sorry because my ego is big. But that doesn't mean I don't realize. Yes, I admit, sometimes my words are said just to spite you, just to add fuel to the fire, but I only ever do that if the argument gets really tensed and I get so fed up.

Well anyway, the bottom line is, I hope we can work this out, give our relationship another chance, control our anger, work situations peacefully and get back the love we once had. And here are some photos of mum, Papa, Ziqo, Amirah and I from Countdown 2011.

2012!

January 31, 2012

Hello! It's been forever since I updated! And I'm updating it now coz I have the time, so here, this one's for all the people that has been pestering me to update. The reason why I have the time? I'm sick, so I can't study and I'm free! Haha! Okay well, school started almost a month ago. So far... it's quite okay. Been studying consistently and everyday because I'm sitting for my major exams at the end of this year, O Levels. Just thinking about it makes me super nervous. I hope my studying consistently will keep up for the rest of the year!

Anyway, last year during the 2-month end of year vacation, I went to 3 different countries. 4 actually, but one is not considered a holiday trip. Firstly it was to Australia. Went with mum, papa, Ziqo, Rayan Sofia, my helper Louann, nenek, and my uncle and his family. In total, there were 15 of us all together! I've been to Australia quite a few times already but going with your other family members makes it more fun and creates a whole new experience altogether.

The weather was really cooling, about 20 degrees celcius. The sun was shining so brightly, but the breeze made it cooling and it was a really perfect weather. My favourite parts of the trip were surfing, body boarding, and exploring the night life. My cousin Danial and I would go out at 9pm and explore the whole night scene like the clubs and pubs. Of course we didn't get to go in coz I'm underage ha ha *sobs* And we'd wonder around. Sometimes, when we're tired, we'd just sit by the beach and talk. The beach, at night, when not many people are around, is heaven. It is so peaceful.

I can't seem to find a family photo. They're all probably in the other camera. Okay anyway, after coming back from Australia, ZIqo and I flew to England, where dad, stepmum, Syaizta and my grandaunt were. They went there two weeks earlier. Honestly, it was quite a boring holiday. Holidays with dad has always been boring. He doesn't know how to make holidays fun, unlike mum. He does stuff out of the book, no excitement. Plus he doesn't know how to plan and get his wife to behave. A woman behaving like a child. Like literally. On the other hand, we visited our relatives in Coventry, and of course we went to Anfield like we always do whenever we go to England.

I wonder if dad ever thinks about when he was with mum. Mum did everything for him, she was the best wife. His wife doesn't do anything for him. She doesn't cook, doesn't clean, the house they live in is so filthy, she just lies down and watch TV and use the computer. That's more like a piece of couched potato rather than a wife. And plus, we were in England. Dad, mum and me lived in England once before. And before I was born, it was just the two of them. Surely something struck him while we were there.

Lastly, we went to Italy! With dad. We took the budget flight from England. We visited two places, Rome and Venice. I  swear, Rome is so super beautiful. I'M IN LOVE!!!! Visited places of interests like the Vatican Museum, Fontana di Trevi and the famous Colosseum. Venice was a little too cold for me, it was like -11 degrees celcius. Brrr.....

In total, my holiday was an exact one month. It was that long that I didn't even get to go out a lot of with my friends! But at the end of the day I am thankful that I get to travel. :) So... let's count. Australia, been there 5 times, England, 5 times, Italy, 2 or 3 times. Let's increase the numbers soon. :P

131

September 12, 2011

Hello there! A lot of things have been happening, that's why I don't have much time to update. But I do have some time now so... Let's see what happened so far. Alvin and Dheenan's birthday party, dinner with family at Hotel Holiday Inn, lunch date with cousin Nisa and my family from England in town! Okay firstly, about 3 weeks ago, Alvin and Dheenan celebrated their 17th birthday. They held a BBQ pit in the evening. Had lotsa fun with Alvin and everybody else. Made new friends too. :) Mum didn't let me go back so late, so by 11pm, I was already home while a lot of others were at the pit for the whole night. Pretty saddening. :(

The shirt that I got for him! Hehe.

Two weeks ago, my family had dinner at Holiday Inn, somewhere in town. My aunt Sarah, her boyfriend Matthew, and son Nicholas joined us too! In the midst of dinner, Sofia got restless so I brought her for a walk. Well, that walk turned into a marathon because she was running non-stop!! Well anyway, I had a good catch up with aunt Sarah, uncle Matt and Nick! Missed them so much! Sadly, I didn't get to take pictures with them. But here are some pictures of my family.

Last week, I had lunch with my cousin Nisa. I believe I've mentioned her before, she's in town for her summer vacation. We had lunch at Swensens. Talked and gossiped a lot, shared tons of secrets. I miss her so much, since she migrated three years ago. Before this, she's the reason I looked forward to family gatherings every time. Now without her, I don't really have anyone to hang out with when there are family gatherings. Oh well~ We planned to go on a vacation when we're of legal age. Hehehe. I bet it's gonna be so much fun! Lord knows what we'll be up to. ;)

Last but not least, end year exams are around the corner. I'm determined to do well! Been planning my days consistently and prioritizing things properly. I might not blog as much, but do stay tuned for more posts. :) xoxox

130. Champagne Showers

August 23, 2011

Hi guys! Life's been good! Common tests are almost over and I must say, I'm really confident in scoring well/getting good, reasonable marks. Alvin and I are good. Mel and I are good. That girl's crazy!! Mum and I are good. Well, family relationships are all good, except with Dad and stepmum, which will be negative forever. But they don't matter to me so, what the heck.

Okay so about one and a half weeks ago, I went out with Farah. She's from my school, a year younger. We went shopping! Or, it was more like I went shopping and she accompanied me. You wouldn't wanna know how much I spent. Oh wait, I think you would wanna know. I spent about $260. Hahaha! I bought Doctor Martens boots, that's the highlight! Been wearing them for all the times that I went out. I was pretty indesicive as to which pair to buy. I called up Joel and Mel for their opinions, walked around the whole shop, walked some more, questioned myself, questioned Farah, and I finally decided to go for the maroon pair. I got home that day wearing my new boots. Mum was like, "you really can't wait to wear them, can you?" And I answered by giving her a huge grin. Hehehe.

Last Saturday, I went for Alvin's niece Samantha's birthday chalet at Pasir Ris! With my Doctor Martens. It was really fun! I met one of his brothers, Oliver, for the first time, together with his wife Joanne, and two children, Emily and Ethan. Oliver's really funny and cool. I had fun with his other siblings, Lawrence, Vanessa, David and of course the birthday girl Samantha! I really adore Samantha. I don't know, she's just so super cute to me. Oh, Emily, aged 5, saw Alvin and I kissing. It was just a peck on the lips but she saw and she went, "are you two boyfriend and girlfriend?" Alvin chuckled and I smiled and said, "shh!" Haha!

Samantha and Emily also had little fights, which reminded me of my cousin and I when we were younger. But the fun part was, they were having little fights over me! Samantha, having met me four times, felt a little protective over me. When Emily asked helped from me, sat on my lap, or even shared stories with me, Samantha would observe us and sometimes, pulled me away. Hahaha. They're super cute. Sadly, I didn't bring my camera with me that day. But Samantha's dad, Mark (sp?), snapped some photos so If I get them, I'll upload them here.

So a new week just started. And it's gonna be a really busy week. Monday, is always probably the most laxed day. Today, I had tuition after school ended, which means I was only done at 6pm. Tomorrow, I'm gonna have to do community service from 3pm till 6pm. On Thursday, I'm gonna have to stay back after school ends to complete my Art painting. Cheng Wen, Wei Ming and I planned to complete our paintings together. They're my classmates. On Friday, I'll be finally free!!! I can finally meet Alvin and have a good weekend. Oh wait, it's gonna be a long weekend!

Next Monday is gonna be a holiday due to the presidential elections and Tuesday is Hari Raya. Oh, Hari Raya. Let me share some stuff about the Hari Raya(s) I've experienced. My Dad, being half Malay, is quite Malay-ish when it comes to Hari Raya. Not traditional, but Malay-ish. He always goes to the mosque in the morning, and brings me along sometimes, and then after that, it will be heavy breakfast at my grandparents' house. I always liked the atmosphere at my grandparents'. All my 3 uncles and 7 cousins will be there, laughing and having a good time. My mum, being Arab, is not very big on the Hari Raya celebrations. To her, and most Arabs I think, Hari Raya is more of forgiving people and asking for forgiveness. She'll just host a lunch for our immediate family members, which are my 2 aunts, uncle and grandparents and cousins.

And I know a lot of my friends go for this Hari Raya outing with friends. Honestly, I've only been on an outing twice, both two years back. And both didn't last long. I remember, one of them, I only visited one house. And the other outing, it only lasted 4 hours. Pretty pathetic, but yup. Alright people, I can't type too much. I have tests to study for!! Till I type again, hehe. xoxox

129. What Happens Next?

August 12, 2011

How would you react if your best friend, someone whom you did everything with, left you so suddenly? And your best friend suddenly says you and her are from completely two different worlds? And your best friend was the one who told you countless times that she'll never leave you, no matter what happens? And your best friend says she's leaving you because she's jealous that you've got other friends and that she feels insecure? And then you find out that she didn't even treat you like a best friend? So, you keep thinking, wondering, was our friendship all just a lie? You keep asking yourself, all those times we spent together meant nothing to her when it meant everything to you? How would you feel?

I'll tell you how I feel. I feel devastated, hurt, wrecked, and obviously mad. I couldn't sleep properly for one whole week. I cried myself to sleep every night. I know I told people I was fine but the truth is that I'm really not. When you spend almost everyday with someone for the past two and a half years of your life, obviously you'd feel broken if that someone were to leave you just like that. And as the week went by, my sad feelings turned to anger. I hated my best friend so much because she left me for a fucking stupid reason(s). I admit, it's part of my fault. I remember her saying, last year, that she didn't like me talking about my other friends. I respected her words at first. But I guess this year, I forgot. And she kept it to herself, swallowing every word I tell her about my weekend with my other friends. She kept it all in, never telling me anything till one day she couldn't take it no more and left. I wish she would've told me. Things would be different.

I miss her. But I don't know if getting back with her would be a good idea. Right now, almost 3 weeks since we "broke up", the tension is still burning. It has not died down. Every time I see her, I feel like lashing out on her but there's still a part of me that wants to pull her and give her one big tight hug. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to resolve this situation. I don't even know if it should even be resolved. People say too much of a good thing is bad. So maybe yes, it'd be a bad idea if we were to stick together. I never imagined we'd end our friendship like this, if it ever ended but I guess it's fate.

I'll miss all the stupid things we did together, all the fun times we shared. Our failed attempt of scaring my Papa while he was working in the house office, our stupid videos, our fucking hilarious theories, our "poor" Shasha and Shanaz family, your mum asking you to photocopy your test paper when you told her you to copy the whole thing coz you flunked the test, my thinking that Ice Lemon Tea is so sweet when it turned out, you handed me a bottle of Ice Mango Tea, oh gosh, every thing Louisa. From the day I first met you. It was around mid January 2009. Our official date of friendship is the best ever, 090909. I will miss you. As it is, it is already a little difficult trying to hold in all I wanna say to you because we're nothing anymore. There's so many stories I wanna share. But things will never be the same again.

To take the pain away, I've been meeting Alvin almost everyday for the past one and a half weeks. I went to his house two weekends ago. Had lunch there. Bonded with his niece, Samantha. Oh gosh, she's so adorable! She stuck with me for almost the whole time I was there. When I wanted to leave, she didn't let me! She hugged me so tightly and showered me with kisses all over my face. That was sweet. Just now, I just went to his house again. He was sick so after school ended, I made my way to his place. It was the first time I saw Alvin behave so well. Hahaha!

Oh yes, I've been meeting Amelia (Mel) quite often too. I'm getting very close to her, like how close I was with Louisa. A part of me is afraid that she'll leave like Louisa but if you don't do anything risky in life, you're taking the biggest risk ever. ;) And oh well, school's been a drag! Been having long school hours. My school system is crazy. We have milestone tests EVERY MONTH SINCE THE STARTING OF THIS YEAR. It's really taking a toll on all of my school mates. The principal wants to change our neighbourhood school to a fucking elite school or something but come on, we're not cut for it. We choose neighbourhood schools because we don't wanna be so pushed but hello there, milestone tests every month. Eew. I can die.

Oh yes, check out these planking photos. Hahaha! My cousins, brother and I sneaked into my pool at 11pm last Monday night. (the pool closes at 10pm) We swam in the dark and did stupid things. But... at midnight, the security guard came and chased us out! Later, he interrogated us, asked which unit we were from and bla bla bla, all that bullshit. I gave him a fake unit and he believed. He must be the stupidest guard in the whole wide world. And then he kept scolding us. I played with my phone. Haha! And then he got really irritating that I snapped, "I got my mum's permission! Go and ask her if you don't believe!" That shut him up.

Well, I have nothing much to say. Till the next post! xoxox

128. Last Friday Night

July 22, 2011

Hello! The photos from my school's performance! It was really memorable. If there were to be another concert, I would wanna be the emcee again! Despite the tiring rehearsals and changing the script a thousand and one times. Oh yes, during the last rehearsal, on the day of the concert itself, I had really bad menstrual cramps. I kept reading words wrongly. I got so stressed that at one point, I ran backstage and cried hard. I hated myself for being so weak but I really couldn't do anything. My teachers in charge reassured me that I would be alright in no time and yes, I did get better.On the night itself, I had a really great time! Louisa, Miss Haridas, Miss Nisha, Miss Anisah, Miss Kaur. Yes, I interacted more with the teachers than my schoolmates. LOL. I'll give a proper update soon. xx

About Me

Pathetic Drama Queen

Deanna Shaqila

16. Open-minded, dislike commitments. Crazy once you really get to know me and I love to have fun. I'm a little bit of everything. :) I have a mind of my own; I do what I like, I do what I want, I don't stop to listen to anybody and I pretty much think for myself. Experiences has taught me that no one's gonna have your back all the time. Just cherish the moments with your friends/dear ones because those moments might be gone in a split second. My life might not be perfect but I try to make the best of it. Independent and living life to the fullest! 

November baby: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Easily angered. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home.

 

#Scorpio #YNWA Instagram: @hystrcald

Cast

Mum

Dad - biological father

Papa - stepfather

Nani/Nan - paternal grandmother, the best granny ever

Ziqo, 13, the most irritating brother ever

Rayan, 4, the sweetest brother ever

Sofia, 2, my pretty little sister

Louisa, 16, best friend

Amelia, 16, best friend

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